[This is not the post I had planned to write today, I had grand plans of something fun and light for midweek, but it’s just not where I’m at and if you know me, even a little bit, you know that I just speak from where I’m at.]
It kind of hit me like a freight train tonight, I don’t know why it hits me off guard, but it happens every year on the eve of my nieces birthday in heaven.
We always have plans to make cake and celebrate her and we always do something special in the evening…. but as night draws in and morning approaches, my heart remembers…
For one, I can’t believe it’s been four years…. four whole years since my own baby was two weeks old and I was sitting there, in the middle of the night on my pillow, nursing her back to sleep and waiting for news from home.
It could have been yesterday.
It could have been two decades ago.
Time makes no sense to me.
After these years, I still don’t quite understand why it all had to happen, and I still try and trust that it all happened for a reason. I really do believe that…. everything in this world happens for a reason. There is no random, no chance, no mistakes…
But yet, I still don’t understand and I definitely don’t like it.
I think back to that day. It was a HUGE day, a day that forever changed me and one that I will never forget, not as long as I live. Everyone I knew (and a lot of people I didn’t) was praying… the angels were most definitely surrounding her birth.
As I sat there, nursing my own baby, I was not really expecting to hear anything from home for hours… but then I received a call to say they had pushed forward the surgery. So, I sat…. waiting…. I couldn’t sleep, I wouldn’t sleep…
The minutes ticked by, I have no idea how long it was, it seemed like an eternity.
Then my phone beeped… a text from my Mum at 1:46am (9:46am in the UK) to say she was born and in her mothers arms. I was thankful, I was blown away, overwhelmed with anxiety and grief and fear and every other emotion you could imagine.
I woke my husband. I told him the news and then I placed my sweet sleeping child in his arms and went out to the living room to call home…. probably the hardest phonecall of my life.
Sweet girl, you are missed in so many ways…. but somehow, my heart, even though it breaks I know that you have already left a huge impact on this earth. Even now, years after you went to heaven, people still talk of you and how they think of you often. You changed lives, you changed this world…. you, just by being you….. you made this world a better place.
Every day I look at my big girl, I’m constantly amazed by her… Her cousin would have been coming out with the witty one-liners too…. she would be running around getting ready for school in September, enjoying every last minute of the summer.
She would have been sneaking chocolate at Nanny’s house and jumping on the trampoline with the rest of ’em…. she would have been giggling, causing a ruckus and I’m sure, at times she would have been stomping her foot in frustration. I mean, because that’s what four year olds do, right?
We would have been sending cards and presents, making phonecalls and silly videos, all to wish a special little girl a happy 4th birthday…. Gah, today I can’t do that. There’s no phone in heaven, no postal service…. no facetime.
Sweet girl, I wish, more than I probably should, that I could hug you and tell you happy birthday… I wish I wasn’t so far from home and I could hug your Mama tight… and share coffee with her and look over your pictures…. but I pray that you know you are in our hearts always.
I will always speak your name, it’s beautiful, it deserves to be spoken out loud. I will always honor your memory and I promise, that I will always eat cake in celebration of you on your birthday. The last three years we have been gifted with a beautiful pink sky at sunset… Cory, the girls and I always go out at sunset and send balloons to heaven for you… I like to think that the Sunset is from you, I’m good with that.
I know it all seems so small, so insignificant, so silly…. but for now, until I hug you in heaven, it’s all I can do.